Monday, January 29, 2007

'The End' Never Felt So Good -- Robin

This past Friday was a banner day in DiscoLand! If you took that phrase literally, and actually wrote out a banner, it would read:

Congratulations, Robin! You finally finished your first teen novel!
Now shut up and get back to work.

Yep. Finished it. Done.

Okay, fine. So I’m done with my “first” draft. My friend Mary Hershey likes to refer to the first draft as the “discovery” draft. Which is so cute. But personally, I like to refer to it as my “schwetty” draft (I’m trying to cut back on my foul language…and I love that old Saturday Night Live skit with Alec Baldwin!).

As I sat in the coffee shop writing the very last line of my book, Jay walked in to meet me. “Shhhh! Sit down and don’t speak!” I said as I pointed to a seat across the room. He tucked his tail and hung his head while I finished my final words. Good boy, Jay.

When I finished, I punched myself in the shoulder feeling like I was king of that small section of the coffee shop. “You can come back over, Jay. Now read my last page and tell me I’m a genius.”

I sat across from him and watched his facial expressions, analyzing every eye twitch. He’s very twitchy. Finally, he looked up. Honestly, he looked like he was going to cry, which was the biggest compliment he could’ve given me (other than actually crying and telling me I’m a genius, but I take what I get).

While I know that I have a lot of work to do, it feels insanely cool to know that I actually made it through the whole story…and that the ending feels so good.

- Robin

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Battlefield High School --Eve

Volunteering and researching two days a week at the high school has been entertaining and eye opening. One moment, I'll feel like I'm back at Canyon High, hanging with my friends, discussing the genius of Duran Duran, without a care in the world. The next moment, I'll feel like I'm crossing the yard at a Super-max prison.

The main teen angst issues are the same; love, friends, cars, parents, parties, popularity, college applications. But the striking difference is the prevalence of drugs, selling drugs, getting busted for drugs, showing up to class on drugs. Some kids approach me and ask if I'm a NARC. Of course I always say YES. At first it was funny and cute. Now, it just kind of freaks me out.

I'm always shocked when someone comes to class drunk or high. At least when I was in school the people who drank or took drugs did it in the privacy of their homes, or behind the school by the sewage ditch. Now the kids aren't embarrassed or afraid of getting caught. In fact, some WANT to get caught. They think jail is cool. Sexy.

The other day I tried mightily to scare the crap out of one kid who I really like. With a court date approaching on a potential felony conviction, he casually told me that he'd rather go to prison than have to stay in “stupid school”. Apparently he's got a steady diet of gangsta' rap videos that glorify the prison culture. Now, I listen to the same music and watch the same videos, but I also have a more advanced brain that enables me to see the difference between entertainment and reality. Having spent time in a juvenile prison camp (tutoring, NOT serving time), I also have firsthand knowledge of what those places are really like. No, they don't lift weights and watch “Booty Call” on the TV all day. In reality, they spend their time hiding in the air vents or praying they get thrown into solitary so no one can mess with them. When I say “mess” I'm not talking about beating up or stabbing each other. I'm talking worse. MUCH worse. After the talk, the kid seemed un-phased, and I told him I'd bring cupcakes when I visit him in the pokey.

In my day (yes, I sound like a little old lady) kids were mortified to get sent to the principal's office, let alone get arrested at school. But now kids wave drugs around, daring teachers to report them. And suddenly it's very cool to get busted and have a “court date”…Woo-Hoo!

Speaking of getting the crap scared out of you, the other day I saw ALPHA DOG, an outstanding movie about white middle class gangsta' wannabes chasing trouble around, trying to be cool. It really affected me because I see these kids every single day. There's got to be a killer (excuse the pun) YA book in that! So, the next day I called my sister, the Public Defender, and said, “ I must write a book about kids in prison.” So, I'll be spending a lot of time in Florida this year tagging along on Amy's court dates and jail visits. (After I complete my YA Romance, of course!)

I don't plan to write a cautionary tale or a preachy “message” book. In fact, I really just find this subject fascinating. MONSTER, by Walter Dean Myers is my favorite YA book of all time. And for years I've Tivo'd every prison documentary on The Learning Channel. But, I can't lie. Deep down, the old lady in me is hoping that a realistic book on juvenile prison life will serve as a natural deterrent for impressionable kids.

--Eve

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I Love YA -- Jay


I didn’t realize how much I loved writing for teens till this past Monday when I came face-to-face with my audience. As Eve mentioned previously, she’s been volunteering in a couple of high school Creative Writing classes (at my old high school). The teacher had been my Peer Communications teacher and invited me to speak to his students about my journey to publication. I agreed, seeing this as a great place to test the waters of public speaking to teens...though I had no idea if I would come off as a bumbling fool.

And since Eve and Robin love a good laugh, they came along.

Not more than five minutes into the first class did I realize (to my surprise) that I felt completely in my element. The students laughed at all the right parts, asked intelligent questions, and were intrigued by the entire publishing process. The areas they showed the most interested in were how I dealt with rejection and the revision process. I read them some rejection letters Thirteen Reasons Why received before it sold. Then I described how my editor and I moved through the revision process, everything from reworking the ending to word choice. For example, my editor wondered why Hannah’s first kiss tasted like hotdogs and mayonnaise and I told her because that’s how my first kiss tasted. She thought the description was too jarring, so she asked if I’d simply change it to a hotdog-flavored kiss, but I thought chilidog was funnier (without being jarring) and she agreed.

I never set out to write for teens. Funny middle-grade, that was my shtick. But I stumbled upon an idea that I just had to write. And while I would’ve been happy selling any of my previous manuscripts, I’m thrilled to be known as a novelist for teens...and I can't wait to speak to more of them.

- Jay

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Disco Retreat Pics

Evidence for all you cynics that we actually were working on our manuscripts...

Seeking outside inspiration


Problem solving


Brainstorming

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Fondue Friday #3 - Retreat

Fondue Fridays
- where everyone dips in, and everything comes up cheesy -
- - -
With deadlines (both self-imposed and contractual) looming on the horizon, we set out for Santa Barbara for the first ever Disco Mermaid Writing Retreat. We stayed at an inn with a beautiful patio view of the Pacific Ocean and spent the weekend cranking out future bestsellers. At one point, a mermaid said, "Hey, we should blog about what this experience is like." So we placed a laptop on a Lazy-Susan, flexed our fingers…and got bloggin’.
- - -
Jay: Okay, let’s start. But we gotta do this fast cuz Robin and I gotta drive home…while Eve crashes for one more night.
Robin: We had a very successful first retreat! What did we get done? Well, I kicked butt on my young adult novel and I’m actually just one chapter short of finishing it. Perhaps if I had stayed out of the hot tub this afternoon I would’ve finished. But…it’s a hot tub! And…we’re Disco Mermaids!
Eve: I can’t lie; I did not kick as much butt as Robin, and am a lot more chapters short of finishing my YA. However, I got a TON done, and learned a lot of little known facts about my fellow mermaids. Did you guys know that Robin only eats “limpy fries”… no crispy ones! Who knew?
Jay: Or that Eve doesn’t poop! Who knew?
Robin: Or that when Jay poops, he has to go down the hall because there wasn’t a strong enough fan in ours. Who knew?
Eve: Okay, what are we blogging about here? But seriously folks…I really don’t poop, and I am gasless. That said, Jay and Robin gave me some really nifty plot suggestions over breakfast this morning, and it changed my whole perspective on what I’m doing. I also got inspiration by staring out at the beach, and wrote some really HOT love (not sex) scenes with my characters sitting on the beach. Woo-hoo!
Jay: Just gotta say, I wasn’t the first mermaid to discover the bathroom down the hall. But yes, this weekend was amazing. For me it wasn’t as creative as for the two of you. Mine was mostly busy work. I took an entire middle grade novel I’d already written and changed it from past-tense to present-tense. Somehow, that simple (yet time consuming) switch improved my manuscript immensely! I can’t wait to send it to my agent later this week.
Robin: And yes, I was the one who originally discovered the joys of hallway bath rooming. Interestingly enough, I had a bit of an emotional reaction to the final chapters of my book. After writing a very heart wrenching moment, I stood up, ran to the bathroom (the one in our room wasn’t in use very much), sat on the toilet and bawled my eyes out. I came back out after a few minutes expecting my fellow mermaids to be sitting on the edge of their seats waiting to support me in my moment of vulnerability. Jay said, “Did you light a candle?” And Eve said, “Shhh! I’m sleeping here!” Love you guys. Really, I do.
Eve: I’m so sorry! But I wasn’t sleeping. I was deep in thought. It’s my creative process. Seriously, we probably had more fun than any mermaid should ever be allowed to have in a lifetime. We laughed, we cried, we became one. It’s amazing how well we support each other…I mean, who else could I sit with in a room for three days straight, while listening to Nickelback and Benedictine Monk chants at the same time, and have no dialogue for 8 hours straight except for me occasionally asking, “what’s another word for phlegm?” As a bonus, I just got a message from my agent who LOVED what I’ve worked on so far and called it “FANTASTIC!”
- - -
Very unflattering pictures coming soon...

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Happy Flappies!!!

The winner of the first ever Flappie Award was announced today. What was it? David LaRochelle's Absolutely, Positively Not... And who nominated that wonderful book? Jay did!

Woo-hoo!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Bon Voyage! -Robin

Items to pack for my Disco Mermaid Writing Retreat:

- laptop…check
- power cord…check
- thesaurus…check
- iPod and headphones…check
- miniature Reese’s…check
- folded up picture of Orlando Bloom ripped from People magazine…check
- unreal expectations…check
- fear of the unknown…check
- lack of confidence in my ability to actually finish this novel… double check
- toothpaste…crap


Did I forget anything? Oh, that’s right. Beer.

We’re definitely going to have a productive weekend full of writing and writing only. What? Quit looking at us like that!

Tune back in later this weekend for updates/pictures/incoherent babbling on how we’re “getting along,” and by that I mean “if we’re still speaking to each other.” Which, of course, we will be. Our problem is that we talk to each other TOO much. Maybe some uncomfortable silence will do us some good. In fact, I think things might get VERY tense. Eve made me promise to bring her some toothpaste, and I really CAN’T find it. (Crap!)

Check in on us soon. And wish us luck. WE NEED IT!

-Robin

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

It Takes A Village... --Eve

To write my YA book, anyway. The wonderful and talented Alexis O'Neil once told me that when someone in this business asks you if you can do something, no matter how impossible, the answer is always YES. When my agent gave me editorial suggestions for the first chapters last week and asked to have them back ASAP, I said, “ABSOLUTELY, YES!!” Now, I've never had a writing deadline before, so I didn't realize that ASAP in normal people terms is waaayyy different than ASAP in writer terms. Are you kidding me? It's been one week since I got her comments. I thought I'd be done with them in a night. HA! HAHAHAHAHA!

I kid you not, I've worked on these NONSTOP for the last seven days, and I'm still not satisfied enough to send them on. My house is a disaster, laundry is strewn about the furniture, my poor dogs are unclean and unfed, I've slept very little (for me) and my hair…let's not even go there! No joke, when I saw Robin yesterday she said, “You wore THAT to work at the high school today?” All I could do was shrug my shoulders and unapologetically tell her that it's the same outfit I've been in for the last several days and I couldn't find the energy to change! What have I turned into? A new, single mother with quintuplets, who can't find the time to brush her teeth? Oh, what's that you say? THIS is what being a real writer is all about?

Funny thing is that every time I think I'm “done” I run it by one of my trusted “editors” here in California, and he or she always points out some glaring problem. Then I sit back down, clack away, and don't move for the next 10 hours! Jay noted that I'm developing a wide, flat, oh-so-attractive “Secretary Butt”. No joke! He said that!

But to be honest, I LOVE IT. (The writing part, not the Secretary Butt) I'm so into this new novel, I sleep, eat, and breathe it. Because this one is a love story, it's easy to get sucked in to this other world and live there for 10-12 hours a day. But I also obsess over making it perfect…after all, I am crafting the new Love Story (Erich Segal) of the millennium!

So, I'd like to publicly thank Jay, Robin, Tina Nichols Coury, Barbara Jean Hicks, Barbara Bietz, Laura Rennert, my sister Amy, and Cynthia Bates for taking time away from their own projects to lend suggestions, and letting me stalk them when I'm stuck. Also, THANK YOU to blog readers Laura, Lisa, Annette, and Amy for the kick-ass title ideas! It really does take a village. Can you guys go write the second half of the book for me now? ASAP! Thanks!

--Eve

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

2k7 eZine!

Issue #1 of the Class of 2k7 eZine is hot off the presses (even though no presses were actually involved). Check it out for cool info about some amazing debut novelists...as well as a feature article by Disco Mermaid Jay.

You can also subscribe to get the Quarterly eZine delivered straight to your e-mailbox. And if you're a randomly selected lucky subscriber, you'll get free 2k7 Advance Reader Copies delivered straight to your hardcopy mailbox.

Check it out!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Sophomoronic -- Jay

In high school, I was a music junkie. When I got my first job, the first thing I figured out was how many CDs I’d be able to buy with each paycheck. The fun part was discovering a new band before they made it big, then watching their first album take off.

And then came the dreaded second album. Few bands ever topped their brilliant debuts. It was called the sophomore slump and it made absolute sense. Most bands toured for years, performing and perfecting dozens of original songs. When it came time to choose ten to twelve for their first album, it was like releasing a greatest hits package. But second albums usually felt rushed, uninspired, or like knock-offs of the smash debut.

The same goes for books...and it’s freaking me out!

I started writing Thirteen Reasons Why in early 2003 and took my sweet time with it. For the first couple of years I only worked on it when I felt inspired. During that time, I started and finished a middle grade novel, three early chapter books, and several picture books. Though I knew I would eventually finish my teen novel, it felt like I had all the time in the world.

But now I have till June to write a first draft for my second novel. Why? Because it’s part of the contract. All those things I used to hate about second albums are swirling in my head right now. I’m currently reading the debut novels and follow-ups of some of the most known names in teen literature to see what they did right...and more specifically, what they didn’t. Let me tell you, the follow-up I’m reading now is teaching me so much!

I’ve narrowed my follow-up down to three story ideas. All three of them would be challenging and fun to write. But all three might be too challenging to write in the amount of time it normally takes me to write a picture book. So there’s that issue. But I also want to make sure the teens who read my follow-up because they enjoyed the first book are satisfied.

I guess what I’m saying is...Aaaargh!

- Jay

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Disco Mermaids Hit the Road—Robin

We’ve talked about it. We’ve dreamed about it. And now…we’re doing it.

One week from today, the Disco Mermaids are hitting the highway and heading south. We’ve planned a weekend writing retreat in Santa Barbara…just the three of us!

What we realized was that we were all on the verge of either finishing a project or starting a project (for Eve, it’s her new romance; for Robin it’s the final third of her first young adult novel; for Jay, it’s the beginning of his second book for Razorbill). And we all decided that what we really needed was time away from people and dogs and the magazine rack at Barnes and Noble.

How did the big idea get started? A little conversation between Eve and myself, while we waited for Jay to join us at the coffee shop. Here’s how it all went down:

EVE: I need some time away, in a hotel or something, to just get my stuff done.
ROBIN: That’s a great idea!
EVE: I want you guys to come with me.
ROBIN: No.
EVE: But whhhhhyyy? It’ll be so fun and—
ROBIN: Exactly! I’m not going if we’re going to have fun.
EVE: Awwwright. No fun. Only writing. I promise. Think Jay will want to go?
ROBIN: Only if it’s strictly writing and no fun.
(in walks Jay)
EVE: Hey, Jay! We’ve decided we’re all going to get a hotel room in Santa Barbara and—
JAY: I’m in.

So that’s pretty much how the Disco Mermaid Writing Retreat came into being. But we definitely all agreed that we will write like the wind and leave the “disco” part of our “mermaidism” at home. (Which I guess means our families will be partying hard in our absence).

That said, I would like to propose the following rules:

1. We will write for three days straight.
2. The only breaks taken will be for the bathroom, showers, eating, caffeinating and the first ten minutes of The Daily Show.
3. We will wake up early. And by “we” I mean, “Eve, get the hell up!”
4. Use of the cell phone will not be needed since we only call each other anyway, so, hey, that’s taken care of.
5. There will be no alcohol. (I know…no one really believes that one.)
6. If someone does sneak alcohol in her suitcase, it must have a fruity mixer and a box of Tylenol attached.
7. Every night we will have a “write off” in which we must read one page from our manuscript that was written that day and the worst writer will be voted off. Or forced to mix drinks.

Anybody out there in blogland got any more rules we should add? (We need ‘em!)

--Robin

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

LOVE Is In The Air --Eve

It's not even Valentine's Day yet, but Jay, Robin and I are all about LOVE this month. All our main characters seem to be unexpectedly falling head over heels right now. Whether it's first crush, true LOVE, or being in LOVE with the idea of being in LOVE, the three of us seem to be discussing the topic a lot lately.

And I'm LOVING the fact that we're all completely in sync right now because we're all under some form of deadline. Jay's new book outline is due in a few weeks. Robin received revision suggestions from a dream editor, so Jay and I are literally combing through Robin's changes as we speak so she can send it on ASAP!

And me? While my agent (LOVE saying that!) shops around my first book, I am busy at work on my YA Romance. Let me rephrase: I'm obsessively IN LOVE with my YA Romance. Is it strange that I've got scenes, characters, dialogue running through my head constantly? I'm a total freak! While I sleep, eat, shower, run, watch a movie, drive, hang out at a concert… no matter where I am, I've got this LOVE on the brain. And although I had the entire story outlined in my head within the first few days of writing it, my characters often surprise me and throw in plot twists that hadn't entered my mind before.

Late last night I received my first real professional revision suggestions from my wonderful agent. Woo-Hoo! And…whew!! I'm going through the same thing Robin went through last week. The whole, “Why didn't I think of that? Of course! That suggestion makes so much sense.” I think part of the reason we as writers don't see the obvious sometimes in our writing is that we fall completely IN LOVE with our words and the worlds we've created. For example, I've spent the last four days consumed with the idea of changing my “perfect” ending. Beautiful as it was, it just didn't have enough punch. When a totally unexpected “WOW” ending was suggested, I freaked out because it totally digressed from my original plan. But, damn, it makes for a powerful ending!

After a few days of therapy with Jay and Robin (and a lot of café mochas and cookies), I realized that I was so opposed to the new ending idea because it brings harm to the one character I had fallen completely IN LOVE with! But sometimes LOVE means having to let go and do the right thing. Ahh, LOVE……

Thanks for all the help.
LOVE you DiscoMermaids!

--Eve

Monday, January 08, 2007

Picture This! -- Jay

I have a question for all you published authors out there. Is the second book just as fun and exciting as the first? I still have about nine-and-a-half months till my book comes out, but it seems like every week brings another exciting milestone.

On Sunday I took my author photos. Lucky for me, Robin happens to be married to an amazing photographer. A couple weeks ago he came up with a great idea on how to incorporate the suspenseful tone of my book into the photos. So yesterday we met at a tunnel that runs beneath the freeway so people can walk from their homes to the beach. Truthfully, it didn’t look very suspenseful, but I learned something about photography through this experience: It’s all about the lighting, baby!

The idea was to shoot me at one end of the tunnel, backlit by the opening at the other end. Then he thought it’d be cool to have some shadowy figures far behind me. Two teens entered the tunnel and Jayson said, “Hey, this guy just sold his first book...actually, it’s for people about your age. As you go down the tunnel, would you mind walking on the left side so we can get a cool effect?” They were more than happy to participate, and when they exited the tunnel they shouted back, “What’s the book called?”

Yes! Two more books sold. (And the answer to their question is Thirteen Reasons Why, if you're just joining us.)

We wanted to experiment some more with people in the background. Unfortunately, the only other person passing through was a mom on a bike with a baby on board (not the look we were going for). So Jayson picked up Robin at the beach and that’s who wound up standing behind me in the tunnel. When you read the book, that shadowy figure could represent a couple characters. Or it could simply be someone who walked into the shot. But, no...it’s a Disco Mermaid!

Or maybe Razorbill will go with one of the other photos I'm sending in. Either way, here’s the photo with Robin:


- Jay

Friday, January 05, 2007

A Little WRE & R—Robin

I used to be a fifth grade teacher and was responsible for teaching every subject. And I mean EVERY subject. Drug Education? Yep. Sex Education? Oh yeah. (That was me at the front of the room blushing as I pointed to diagrams of reproductive organs. And believe me, many of those moments have ended up in my books.)

My favorite subject to teach, though, was creative writing. It always astounded me that the school system would actually pay me to teach writing (creatively) on a daily basis. What cooler way to spend my time!?

I created a huge poster that I proudly displayed at the front of my classroom with the steps of the writing process: Write, Rewrite, Edit and Revise. I touted the joys of rewriting their stories and even explained that I would only use a green pen when critiquing their work because I didn’t want them to ever see red on their writing. Red meant “stop,” but green always meant “go” and I wanted them to “go even farther” whenever they saw my green marks on their paper.

My students often responded to my soliloquies on the joys of editing with a resounding, “Um…huh?”

When they finished a story, they would bring it to me and I would mark it up with my green pen and say, “Go forth, oh lucky one! You now have the honor of moving on to Step 2: Rewrite!” I would go back to my corner and twirl, and my students would hang their heads and slowly scuffle back to their desks mumbling something similar to, “Bummer.”

So now that the tables have turned, and I am the one writing stories, I often wonder if I, too, would hang my head and scuffle when asked to rewrite my work. Well, this week, I was given that opportunity.

An editor who read one of my manuscripts asked for a revision. My immediate reaction was a bit like my ten-year old students’. “Bummer.” But when I thought more on the revision and looked carefully at how it would enhance the book, my reaction changed to, “Wow.”

The revision was exactly what my book needed. It was like a puzzle piece that fit in with a satisfying “click.” Aaaahhh. Just right. And then I found my reaction turning to that of, “Doh! Why didn’t I think of that!? Of course!”

But I think that’s what editors are for. Editing! And the magic they bring to a manuscript is just as important to the process as the writing itself.

So for now, I will work through the 4-step process of writing. And I’ll use my green pen with care. And I’ll respond to my husband who would like the dishes done with a resounding, “Um…huh?”

--Robin

Thursday, January 04, 2007

New Year, New You! (Or Not) --Eve

Funny thing is that every New Year's Day, I make a bunch of silly resolutions that I think are supposed to make me a happier and better person, and every year on about January 6th I abruptly turn back into the pumpkin that I was meant to be. So this year, I took the realism route and on New Year's Day I slept in, watched football with my buddies, left the house a disaster after the previous night's raging party, stuffed myself with chocolate chip pancakes, pizza, fudge and coconut cake, and limited my exercise to walking out to the patio to fetch pitchers of beer from the keg (from the previous night's raging party).

In our culture, we're all about changing ourselves…diet, exercise, makeovers, hair extensions, plastic surgery. What ever happened to accepting ourselves for who we are and learning to love the skin we're in? Change doesn't always equal happier, folks! Anyway, after spending the first two days of 2007 shunning resolutions and embracing my inner gluttonous sloth, I finally got back to my writing routine today and met Robin at Linnea's Café to hammer out more of my YA novel.

Since I like to discuss what I'm going to write before I write, Robin had the unfortunate obligation of sitting and nodding while I babbled on about the “heart” of my book, the themes and challenges, and what it all means. And since I'm on this kick of accepting myself for who I am, refusing to “change” and “better” myself, just because society says I should, I asked Robin if my main character really has to change at all. I believe that our main characters are really just extensions of our true selves, or who we'd like to be, so…why can't my MC love who she is and refuse to change as well?

Seriously. Think about it. We're taught that our characters have to grow and learn something meaningful. So, why can't my MC learn that the way she lives her life totally kicks ass, and those around her who want her to change are the ones who need some attitude adjusting? Just saying.

I guess I just want to give my MC the luxury of learning what it took me 30 years to figure out, which is that living life the way others want us to will never make us happy. Much to the chagrin of my family and friends, I'm always going to be a little bit attention deficit girl, running late, forgetting stuff, never having a conventional job, spending my days being distracted and spontaneous. And I'm cool with that. Because I'm an exceptionally happy person. Probably has a lot to do with all that sleeping in and scarfing chocolate chip pancakes. Mmmm…chocolate chip pancakes… Now, what was I saying??

New Year, OLD ME!

Eve

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Finding DiscoLand #4

“Seek and ye shall find…something TOTALLY different than what you were looking for.”

Such is the case for those who typed the following words into search engines and discovered us. The Disco Mermaids!

- how do mermaids go to the bathroom -
(it's not as complicated as it sounds...although one of us consistently forgets to put the seat down)

- I need to borrow your panties for five minutes -
(not that we're selfish, but first you need to explain why you only need them for five minutes)

- pomegranate benefits related to carpal tunnel -
(see, we also serve your medical needs...)

- Mayim Bialik overdose -
(...as well as celebrity gossip -- say it ain't so, Blossom)

- Robin smelled me -
(what?)

- pulled my tampon -
(again...what?)

- mermaids gone wild -
(this pic should not be viewed with children in the room -- notice how she combined two of our looks into one?)

- Johnny Tremain low level reading -
(you've gotta be kidding, right?)