Friday, April 13, 2007

3-2-1 Contest!

You won’t find any French hens, turtledoves, or partridges in pear trees here. But you will find 3 Disco Mermaids, 2 literary agents, and 1 fantabulous editor.

We’re giving away an Advance Reading Copy of Jay’s debut novel, Thirteen Reasons Why. And all you’ve gotta do is make us laugh! Actually, you’ve gotta make us laugh harder than anyone else.

Your entries will be judged by all three Disco Mermaids on a funny-scale of 1 to 10 (10 being frickin’ hilarious). The ten highest-scorers will move on to Round Two. Or maybe we’ll use a 1 to 10 scale with 10 being the least funniest, in which case the lowest-scorers will move on.

The top ten entries will then be judged by Jay and Eve’s shared agent and Robin’s agent (which she refuses to share) using a 1 to 10 scale. The top five highest-scorers (or lowest-scorers…we’ll figure it out by then) will move on to the final judge, Jay’s editor. And while his editor definitely knows how to pick a winner, she absolutely refuses to pick the winner’s nose!

And because there are three Disco Mermaids, the winner will not only receive a gift from Jay, but will receive a gift from Eve and Robin, as well. Eve signed a 20 x 16 print of her acrylic painting, Sunset Vineyard (which does indeed include a touch of pink, as all of her paintings must). Robin’s four-year-old son drew a 12.5 x 30.5 panoramic profile of the Disco Mermaidmobile on taupe butcher paper, which he christened the Really Big Ship! You will also receive an official Disco Mermaid button, featuring the logo designed by Don Tate. Plus, a Butterfinger bar similar to the one mentioned in the book. But unlike the literary candy bar, this one is a 'New 2 Piece King Size' Butterfinger. Not only does it come with the familiar tagline crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery, but since it was purchased in Nipomo, it also claims to be crocante, prurient, cremosa con cacahuete (mani).

So…whatchagottado? Simply give a celebrity a helping hand. Give someone famous an idea for a children’s book...because you know they all wanna write one. And since everyone should follow the advice to Write What You Know, give them a title for a book only they could write. For example:

ANGELINA JOLIE: Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego (and does she need a Mommy)?

JUDE LAW: Daddy had Two Nannies

AL GORE: Walter the Ozone-Depleting Dog

You get the idea. And if you don’t, just flip through a few pages of Us or People or Star and you’ll get more ideas than we’ll have time to judge. Just leave your entry in the comments section of this post, and you're entered. The last day to submit is Tuesday, April get titular!

BONUS: This ARC will be personally signed by Jay, having the distinction of being his first ever autographed book!


Linda D. (sbk) said...

I really don't want to be first, but here goes...

Is this what you're looking for?

Michael Jackson: When Billy Slept Over

Britney Spears: The Very Hungry Beaver

Anonymous said...

Michael Jackson: Ira Sleeps Over (And I Just Tucked Him In. It Was Very Sweet.)

Don Imus: Unhappy I Said Nappy

Sam Hranac said...

Dick Cheney Valerie Plame; a popup book (illustrated by "Scooter" Libby)

Karl Rove The Great Email Mystery

Anonymous said...

Britney Spears: It's a Hair Day? Amber Brown!

William Shatner: So. Be. It.

Pete Townshend: Horton Hears The Who

Anonymous said...

Tom Cruise: Five Little Monkeys, Jumping on a Couch

Angelina Jolie: A Mama for Owen and Zane and Lucretia and Darwin and . . .

Donald Trump: Eragonce

Sanjaya: Hair: Styling Tips and Tricks for Girls

LindaBudz said...

Dorky: How I Lost My Dignity and Won American Idol, by Sanjaya

LindaBudz said...

13 Reasons to Whine, by Woody Allen

Stephanie J. Blake said...

Britney Spears: How To Eat Fried Twinkies

Anonymous said...

Emeril Lagasse: Make Whey For Ducklings

Britney Spears: Justin Have I Loved

Matthew Broderick: Sarah, Plain and Tall . . . and Hot--So F@#% Off!

Sunday Scribblings said...

Hmm. . . I'm not very funny or good at jokes, but I really want to read the book, so I might cheat and beg my editor to scrounge me one from the hallowed halls of Penguin Young Readers!! Then it wouldn't be signed. . . hm. Maybe I'll think of a joke!

K.A. Barson said...

"The View from Sundae" by Rosie O'Donnell

"The Singingest Dawg" by Randy Jackson

"Who's Your Daddy?" by Larry Birkhead

Anonymous said...

Fun contest! DH helped me come up with these:

Where the Wild Things Aren't, Anymore by Dick Cheney

The Wind and Where the Willows Used to Be by Al Gore

Child Rearing, Hair Style, and Underwear Tips For the Single Mom by Britney Spears

Congratulations on your new novel coming out Jay!

Anonymous said...

Condoleeza Rice: Every Leader Poops (except me)

Natalie said...

HOP ON POP, by Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn

Rita said...

Man, I'm drooling over the prize and cracking up over these first entries!

I hope I'll be back to enter!!!

I love it!!!


Anonymous said...

Okay, Britney Spears seems to be the celebrity of choice, how about: An Unsound Maiden's Hair?

That William Shatner entry is still making me laugh.

Melissa said...

Lindsey Lohan: The Drinking Glass Wars

Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie: All-of-a-different-kind Family

Janet/Latoya/Jermaine/Tito/Marlon Jackson: Five Children and It

Scooter Libbey: I am a Rat!

Rhonda Helms said...

ROFL--you've gotten some GREAT entries, but I'll give it a whirl:

Paris Hilton: Everything's Hawt

Nichole Richie: Diet Plans for the Younger Crowd

Tom Cruise: Xenu Loves the Little Children

Michael Richards: Connecting to People of Color

Eddie Murphy: Raw--for Kids

Lindsey Lohan: Everyone Wears Undies But Me

Librarina said...

Britney and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year
by Joe Simpson (Jessica and Ashlee Simpson's dad/manager)

Are You My Daddy?
by Dannielynn Smith

Anonymous said...

All right, I wasn't sure whether I was pushing the limits, but OBVIOUSLY not!

Dick Cheney: *hitty, *hitty, Bang, Bang

Nancy Pelosi: George and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year

CJ Omololu said...

George Bush: No Light in the Attic
Oprah: Little House on the Prairie, and Malibu and Hawaii...
Mary-Kate Olsen and Nicole Richie: The Up and Down Cookbook for Teens
Michael Jackson: Hop on Pop

Anonymous said...

Donald Trump and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Hair! - Donald Trump

A Beautiful Behind - Beyonce

One Swam Over the Cookoos Nest - Mark Spitz


Anonymous said...

"Pat the Beaver", Britney Spears (special shout out to Jay on this one)

"Green Eggs and Hos", Don Imus

"Little Orphan Anna Nicole", Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead

Anonymous said... more:

"The Lyin', The Witch, and the War", Hillary Clinton

(Maestrokneer....for the win) :-)

Anonymous said...

This is too fun! Here are a few more:

Barbara Walters: A Wrinkle in Primetime
Lindsey Lohan: Number the Bars
Britney Spears: Because of Winn-Dixie, Cheez-Whiz, and Boxed Wine
Britney Spears (the prequel): If you Give a Louse some Nookie
Michael Jordan (with a post-divorce tell all): Asleep in a Jeep
Prince: Prince's Purple Plastic Pants

CJ Omololu said...

HA! I think we should call the contest and give it to liz. I was trying to come up with one for If You Give a Mouse a Cookie and she nailed it.

Unknown said...

This is fun and addictive!
The Woody Allen hop on pop one made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Don't know if I can even come close to that one but here goes nothing.

Jacksons: Five Little Jacksons and How They Grew Weirder and Weirder
Don Imus: Horton Hears a Ho
Bill Clinton: Harold and the Purple Cigar
Ann Coulter: Wicked, The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
Sanjaya: Rapunzel, the One with All the Hair
Brittney: Child Rearin' for Dummies
Brittney: The Secret Garden
Ryan Seacrest: There's a Nightmare in My Closet

The Book Bum said...

Tried once and it didn't seem to take. Here goes again. (Sorry if it ends up posting twice.)

1) George Bush - The Astonishing Life of an Intellectual Nothing, Vol. 1: The Duping of a Nation

2) Oprah Winfrey - What I Weigh Now

3) Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan & Paris Hilton - The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantyless

4) Daniel Radcliffe - Harry Potter and the Angry Inch

5) Scooter Libby - ScooterScape Goat in the Jailhouse

Lindsey said...

Heather Mills: Stumpy the Gold Digger Can Dance!

Tom Cruise: A Nervous Breakdown for Oprah

Demi Moore: A Child Called 'Ashton'

Disco Mermaids said...

Oh, man!

Robin, Eve, and I arrived in L.A. Friday night for the SCBWI Writer's Day and, just before going to bed, decided to check on your entries. And then we had a hard time falling asleep because we were laughing so hard.

So keep it up...cuz sleeping's overrated!

- Jay

P.S. I will personally send a letter of apology to whichever celebrity is named in the winning title...and maybe I'll send them a copy of Thirteen Reasons Why, as well.

Anonymous said...

I'm running out of steam, I think, but here's a silly trio for you--

Hugh Grant: 'Divine Brown' Is, Unfortunately, Also Not A Crayon

Colin Firth: Pemberley, Worried

Reneé Zellweger: Junie B. Jones: The Edge Of Reason

Anonymous said...

Oh my God!!! "Stumpy the Goldigger Can Dance" is making me snort so much I can't think of any titles!!! I'll get back at 'cha before Tuesday. Lamy

Anonymous said...

Lorenna Bobbit: Nip and Tuck Everlasting

Dick Cheney: Duck, Duck.. Ooops!

Anonymous said...

ROFLOL- Does laughing count as exercise?

This is so fun- I'm probably driving my DH bonkers telling him new titles. Unless something great pops in my head between now and Tuesday, this is it for me. I'm starting to feel guilty for being mean!

Good luck, everyone. I can't wait to see more of these!

My new few-

Nancy Pelosi: Fancy Nancy- Scarves! Scarves!! Scarves!!!

Ashlee Simpson: The English Noses

Nicole Richie: The Truth about Pseudofiction: How to Keep your Plot Thin

Nancy Pelosi: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit

Anonymous said...

These are so fun to read. I wish I could think of more than one at a time.

Eddie Griffin: Don't Let the Actor Drive the Ferrari

Anonymous said...

The Pop Princess and the Slimy Pauper: An Autobiography
by Britney Spears and Kevin Federline

The Glass Slipper Fit for Four and a Half Years and Then My Feet Grew
by Kate Middleton;
UK title: The Clock Struck Midnight
Australian title: My Carriage Turned Back Into a Pumpkin
Canadian title: I Want a Refund, Fairy Godmother

Baby Orangutans, My Butt, and Other Cute Things
by **insert name of celebrity you think has a nice butt**

-Fun contest!
Missy T from the Blueboard

Disco Mermaids said...

**that would be Jessica Alba**

- Jay

SilberBook-Blog said...

Don Imus: "Old Yeller"

The Book Bum said...

Help me! I can't stop thinking of titles.

Heather Mills - If You Give a Girl a Beatle...

Anna Nicole Smith - Speak, Mammaries!

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing so hard it hurts!!

by Ronald McDonald

by Mel Gibson

by Snoop Dog

STARBOY (A Memoir)
by Jay Asher :)

by Jenna Jameson

by Johnny Knoxville and Chris Pontius
(Jackass Guys)

by Tracy Brennan (Lindsay's agent...sorry Tracy, had to do it!)

Ooohhh...I'm outta here!!
"E To The P"

Anonymous said...

An Adoption Guide: I've Made Up My Mind, I'm Keeping Your Baby

Rachel Ray:
A 30-Minute Alphabet: From E to V to O. To O.

Pussycat Dolls:
Getting Dressed Made Easy Volume 1: Loosen Up Your Buttons


Linda D. (sbk) said...

George Bush - Shock n' Awesome Crafts for Preschool Class Presidents

George Bush - 13 Reasons Why ... A pop-up exploration of my hunt for WMD in Iraq

Anonymous said...

Meg Ryan: Unwrinkled In Time

Lindsay Lohan: Where the Wild Flings Are

Donald Trump: Red Rover, Red Rover, Let's Make A Comb Over

Anonymous said...

O.k., here they are:

"The Three Little Twigs"
by Mary Kate Olsen, Victoria Beckham and Nicole Richie

"Fox with Box"
by Britney Spears

"Jocks in Locks"
by Mike Tyson

"Put Me in the Promises Rehab Center"
by Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan

"The Stupids Step Out II: A Bush Family Vacation"
by The Bush Family Dog

"Don't Let the Stool Pigeon Drive the Half-Assed Campaign to Discredit Joseph Wilson by Outing his CIA Agent Wife"
by Lewis "Scooter" Libby


Disco Mermaids said...

Oh yeah, Lamy. You brought it! (Stool pigeon...HA!)


heidi said...

by Daniellynn (the daughter of Anna Nicole Smith)

by Brad Pitt
(regarding Angelina Jolie's comment about her biological infant son)

by Bobbi Brown
(the daughter of Whitney and Bobby Brown)

Wow, that's enough. I need to toss my STARS.

heidi said...

OOPS, I mean Angelina Jolie's biological infant DAUGHTER. (But would she be less of a blob in her mother's eyes if she was a boy?)

heidi said...

by Dick Cheney
Illustrated by Donald Rumsfeld

heidi said...

by Michael & Blanket Jackson

by Al Gore

by George W. Bush

Disco Mermaids said...

Some of my inner-thoughts so far while reading these jokes:

- Funny!
- HA!
- OK…she went there.
- Ooooh…low blow.
- Brilliant!
- Huh? (and then Eve & Robin explained it to me)
- Brillianter!!
- Just waiting for an e-mail from Homeland Security.
- HA!
- Um, “E To The P” (a.k.a. Eve), those were hilarious…but you’re inelligible! Sorry, but you can’t have your painting back.

And something I just noticed: Can any of you name the books on my bookshelf to either side of Eve's painting? It's kind of eerie...and totally unplanned.

Alright, keep the jokes comin'!

- Jay

Paula said...

I'm not going to enter...well, because my funny is broken today. But I love this contest idea, Jay!! I think you guys have your hands full, judging.

Anonymous said...

by The Paparazzi

by Cindy Crawford

by Kaavya Viswanathan

by John Holmes

by John Bobbitt

by John Kerry

The Book Bum said...

Ashes, Bongs & Full Parental Snorting - Keith Richards

Then I Ate My Performance Enhancers - J. Howard Marshall II
(Anna Nicole Smith's 90-year old husband)

Are You There, God? It's Me, Karl. Take a Hike! -- Karl Rove

heidi said...

i can see the little apple icon on the binding of the book, but that's it. if homeland security contacts you, delete my posts!!! (same call if you hear from the browns, the jolie-pitts, m.j.,or the smith foundation).

Anonymous said...

Where The Crosswalk Ends
by Stephen King

by Dick Clark

The Book Thief
by Kaavya Viswanathan

Life As I Blew It
by Divine Brown

Disco Mermaids said...

Just a reminder...

This is a contest. Which means there will be a winner. Which means we need to know who entered.

If you're entering anonymously, that's cool, but e-mail us privately with a way to contact ya!

- The First Round Judges

heidi said...

A clue, a clue! Is the yellow book a Babysitter's Club??? Don't get me started on the jokes I could make from that series...

heidi said...

Babysitter's Club Book #1200
Jude Law's Nanny
(I forgot her name)

I'm turning off my computer now.

F. S. Poesy said...

Today, representatives of the estate of Julia Child announced they have discovered a previously unknown children's cookbook in manuscript form written by the "French Chef". The book is to be published later this year and will be entitled, Frog and Toad Are Delicious!

F. S. Poesy said...

Valerie The Spy: "Scooter" Libby
Sinky: Natalie Wood

Anonymous said...

King Spork by The (Burger) King

Anonymous said...

Re: Jay's bookcase-The one on the left appears to be STAYING FAT FOR SARAH BYRNES by Chris Crutcher. I can't make out the others, can anyone else?

Anonymous said...



Katie Couric: BOY TOY STORY

This is my 2nd set. Fun contest!

Disco Mermaids said...

Liz! Wow...I am truly impressed. That's a Bonus Point for you. And if you've been here awhile, you'll know that Mr. Crutcher gave Thirteen Reasons Why its first blurb. Hmm...could that be a hint as to the book(s) next to Mr. Crutcher's?

And then there are those books to the right of the painting...

- Jay

Liz Jones said...

One fish, two fish, red fish, there's no such thing as BLUE , you've been OPPRESSED by the PSYCHIATRIC ESTALISHMENT fish,
by Tom Cruise.

A million little teases, by Michael Jackson.

Anonymous said...

Okay you 3
I don't usually do this but I shamelessly admit I want Jay's ARC so here goes...

The Wheel's off the Bus---h or songs I should have sung to you.
by Barbara Bush (with Laura on the harmony)

If you Give a Pig a Martini by Mel Gibson

The Dress I Will Wear to the Party..or not.
By Brittney, or Madonna or whateveh

For Whom the Bill Told by Hilary Clinton

One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest by Donald (Outta There) Rumsfled (stet)

Anonymous said...

Angelina Jolie: One Kid, Two Kid, Red Kid, Blue Kid

Michael Jackson: Where the Child Things Are

Ty Pennington: The Giving Spree

Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump: Frog and Toad Aren't Friends

Demi Moore: The Babysitter's Club

Howard K. Stern: The Babysitter's Club II

Britney Spears: Gone With the Wine (& Shears)

The Guvenator: The Little Engine that Could

Anonymous said...

Mama Cass - The Curse of the HAM Sandwich

(you have to be my age to get that one)


Anonymous said...

Everybody Snoops - Richard Nixon

Anonymous said...

fred b:

Demi Moore: Kutcher in the Raw

Anonymous said...

Michael Jackson: Jacko, Have I Gloved

Lee Wind, M.Ed. said...

The Higher Power of Lucky, Lucky Me

by George W. Bush

Make sure to get the Fox News Censored Edition!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I couldn't resist. This is worse than Pringles!

The Stinky Sleaze Man
by Joe Francis (founder of Girls Gone Wild)

The Bipolar Express by Rosie O'Donnell

Al Capone does my Skirts
by Martha Stewart

Withering Hides
by Courtney Love

What my Mother Doesn't Know
by Sean Preston Federline

From the Mixed-up E-files of Mr. Karl Rove
-Associated Press

Rolls of Thunder, Hear my Thighs
by Beyonce Knowles (<- whose thighs are actually quite nice, but I couldn't think of anyone else)

How do Dinosaurs Apply Mascara?
by Keith Richards

Here's one from my husband, A:

The Wonderful Wizard of OT
by L. Ron Hubbard

heidi said...

by Leonardo DiCaprio


Sarah Stevenson said...

Anne of Coral Gables by Larry Birkhead (A Posthumously Published Tale of Drugs, Drama, and Disputed Dadhood)

That is seriously the only one I could think of.

Anonymous said...

Gilligan(of Island fame): Gingerbred Boy

Fred B.

Anonymous said...

My final three (I swear!)...

(This IS obnoxious I know--sorry--but then isn't his "singing"?)


Pamela Martin, D.C. Madam (with Forward by Heidi Fleiss) : SCHLEPPING BOOTY

Disco Mermaids said...

Aaaaaand...the contest is now officially closed!

Thank you all for making us squirt a combined THREE liters of soda through our noses.

We'll announce the winner soon...

Anonymous said...

Okay, even though I'm competing, I just LOVE the Martha Stewart/Al Capone one!

Rhonda Helms said...

Well....................who won?!?!

Disco Mermaids said...

The Round 1 judges (us!) have whittled it down to ten. And the Round 2 judges have already whittled it down to five.

So we just have to wait a whittle bit more!

Disco Mermaids said...

Wait a "whittle" bit more...HA! You puny guy, you.

Just want to let the blog readers/jokesters know how hard it was to whittle the entries. We DM's came to blows at certain points defending our favorites, and I developed asthma from laughing so hard.

Thank you for all the crazy/creative/disturbing entries. It's been a VERY entertaining week. There are some funny folks out there...if this writing thing ever gets tiresome for y'all, you could always take your comedy show on the road!

Peace, Love, and DiscoMermaids,

Disco Mermaids said...

Sorry, Jay! I meant "PUNNY" not puny. You know, punny, like you like puns, not like you're puny...which you're not. You're actually quite tall and muscular. Not puny at all. It was a slip, I swear. I have a spelling problem...I'm not fully caffeinnated yet, it's early (Okay, it's noon-thirty), sorry!!

DM Love,

Anonymous said...

Thanks for throwing this contest! I admit, I keep checking back here, just hoping and praying to win that crispety, crunchity . . . ARC and painting and drawing and DM button . . . so deliciously choclately . . . . *drool*