I recently took some time out of my busy schedule to call up God and discuss my writing career. Though he put me on hold several times, he did manage to give me some good advice:
Me: Hey, God. Have a minute?
God: For you, eternity.
Me: Aw, that’s sweet. Seriously, any reason why I haven’t been published yet? I mean, I’ve been working on my character development, my layered plotlines and my voice. What am I doing wrong?
God: You are doing nothing wrong, my dear. You just need some patience and perseverance.
Me: You can’t just give me a name? Some lonely editor in need of a new author who writes silly boy books? I just need a name…
God: I got nothing.
Me: Really? I mean, you’ve been published before. And last year only Harry Potter out sold you. Not bad. Your ending was a little unexpected though. Don’t you have any advice for me?
God: Certainly. Write from your heart. Speak the truth. Then pray that some random editor picks up your manuscript to wipe his hands on after eating a piece of pizza and notices your catchy title next to the glob of marinara sauce and then he slips on a piece of pepperoni and falls directly into his chair with the first page of your manuscript laying gracefully in his hands and his phone doesn’t ring and his boss doesn’t pop her head in the door and he forgets that he loathes reading from the slush pile and he actually gives your book four minutes of his time. At this point, it’s the best you can hope for.
Me: Hmmm. I guess you’re right.
God: Right!? Who are you kidding? Do you know what I went through to get my book published!? You’ve got about as good a chance of getting published as I have of getting Britney Spears to stop doing stupid things.
Me: You know, I think I’ll stick with writing from my heart and speaking the truth. You let me know when you come up with a name for me.
God: What about the Arthur Levine guy? He’s not busy, is he?
Me: You need to get to the conferences more often, God.
God: You’re right. I’ll see ya at the costume party. I’ll be the one wearing—well, you’ll see.
Me: Cool. Good luck at the costume contest. (Like he’ll ever beat us!)