Although I believed I was psychic as a kid because I could sit in the car at a red light and predict that the light would turn green, just by repeating, “LIGHT TURN GREEN, LIGHT TURN GREEN…” over and over, I've developed a healthy skepticism as an adult about signs, horoscopes and fortune telling.
That said, for some reason, every time I'm on the verge of a major life change or have a radical decision to make, I turn to these otherworldly forces to guide me. Or at least to tell me what's going to happen, because I can't stand the suspense! For example, when I was all broken up over whether or not to quit medical school to pursue a more creative career, I consulted a Venice Beach psychic. (Like how I slip the fact that I attended medical school into my posts as often as possible?? I like to broadcast how smart I am… so sue me.)
This morning I turned Robin on to an Astrology website that I've found to be eerily accurate when discussing my past and present and predicting my future. Her horoscope told her that she'll be getting a wonderful message on February 28th. (Or did it say, “a wonderful massage” ?? Not sure.) She also got a fortune cookie saying that the month of March would be the beginning of something BIG.
So, tonight I sit here playing the waiting game, wondering what my publishing future holds, and of course the only way to know for sure is to check my trusty Astrology site. Here's what it says, and how it applies to me personally:
“This month you will have a career victory so special that the press will pick up on the accomplishment.” (My middle grade novel, “Kidz In The Wood” will be sold at auction for an unprecedented seven figures and I'll make the covers of TIME and PEOPLE Magazines.)
“An unusually large number of new people will enter your sphere as a result of the new moon February 17th.” (Again, hinting at my book being sold at auction…these aforementioned 'new people' are undoubtedly my new editor, PR rep, film agent, booking agent, foreign publisher, cook, nanny, house cleaner, dog walker, nutritionist, personal shopper, personal stylist and Oprah…people that will come into my life as a result of the seven figure book deal.)
“Old friends will be supportive and helpful and will surround you with lunches, meetings and parties. Your popularity will rise and you'll be introduced to someone new and influential.” (Jay and Robin will be throwing congratulatory fiestas 'round the clock for me…on P. Diddy's yacht. Hence, the “someone new and influential.”)
“Venus is the planet in charge of your income, and at the end of the month it's orbiting close to Uranus, so financial aspects will be surprising…it may make you jump for joy or it might make you angry.” (Venus is messing with my head…it can't decide if I deserve a seven figure book deal or a seven dollar book deal, so it will decide sometime toward the end of February…. as it gets closer to my anus.)
“If this career achievement doesn't happen now, you won't get another opportunity until June 30th.” (If this book doesn't sell for seven figures this month, I will have to wait for the next offer, which will come in on June 30, of the year 2014.)
My fate is written in the stars, man. Stay tuned to find out which way I go!
(It's late. I'm tired. This post may be censored in the morning by the powers that be...but I cracked myself up anyway!)