You won’t find any French hens, turtledoves, or partridges in pear trees here. But you will find 3 Disco Mermaids, 2 literary agents, and 1 fantabulous editor.
We’re giving away an Advance Reading Copy of Jay’s debut novel, Thirteen Reasons Why. And all you’ve gotta do is make us laugh! Actually, you’ve gotta make us laugh harder than anyone else.
Your entries will be judged by all three Disco Mermaids on a funny-scale of 1 to 10 (10 being frickin’ hilarious). The ten highest-scorers will move on to Round Two. Or maybe we’ll use a 1 to 10 scale with 10 being the least funniest, in which case the lowest-scorers will move on.
The top ten entries will then be judged by Jay and Eve’s shared agent and Robin’s agent (which she refuses to share) using a 1 to 10 scale. The top five highest-scorers (or lowest-scorers…we’ll figure it out by then) will move on to the final judge, Jay’s editor. And while his editor definitely knows how to pick a winner, she absolutely refuses to pick the winner’s nose!
And because there are three Disco Mermaids, the winner will not only receive a gift from Jay, but will receive a gift from Eve and Robin, as well. Eve signed a 20 x 16 print of her acrylic painting, Sunset Vineyard (which does indeed include a touch of pink, as all of her paintings must). Robin’s four-year-old son drew a 12.5 x 30.5 panoramic profile of the Disco Mermaidmobile on taupe butcher paper, which he christened the Really Big Ship! You will also receive an official Disco Mermaid button, featuring the logo designed by Don Tate. Plus, a Butterfinger bar similar to the one mentioned in the book. But unlike the literary candy bar, this one is a 'New 2 Piece King Size' Butterfinger. Not only does it come with the familiar tagline crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery, but since it was purchased in Nipomo, it also claims to be crocante, prurient, cremosa con cacahuete (mani).
So…whatchagottado? Simply give a celebrity a helping hand. Give someone famous an idea for a children’s book...because you know they all wanna write one. And since everyone should follow the advice to Write What You Know, give them a title for a book only they could write. For example:
ANGELINA JOLIE: Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego (and does she need a Mommy)?
JUDE LAW: Daddy had Two Nannies
AL GORE: Walter the Ozone-Depleting Dog
You get the idea. And if you don’t, just flip through a few pages of Us or People or Star and you’ll get more ideas than we’ll have time to judge. Just leave your entry in the comments section of this post, and you're entered. The last day to submit is Tuesday, April 17th...so get titular!
BONUS: This ARC will be personally signed by Jay, having the distinction of being his first ever autographed book!
Friday, April 13, 2007
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I really don't want to be first, but here goes...
Is this what you're looking for?
Michael Jackson: When Billy Slept Over
Britney Spears: The Very Hungry Beaver
Michael Jackson: Ira Sleeps Over (And I Just Tucked Him In. It Was Very Sweet.)
Don Imus: Unhappy I Said Nappy
Dick Cheney Valerie Plame; a popup book (illustrated by "Scooter" Libby)
Karl Rove The Great Email Mystery
Britney Spears: It's a Hair Day? Amber Brown!
William Shatner: So. Be. It.
Pete Townshend: Horton Hears The Who
Tom Cruise: Five Little Monkeys, Jumping on a Couch
Angelina Jolie: A Mama for Owen and Zane and Lucretia and Darwin and . . .
Donald Trump: Eragonce
Sanjaya: Hair: Styling Tips and Tricks for Girls
Dorky: How I Lost My Dignity and Won American Idol, by Sanjaya
13 Reasons to Whine, by Woody Allen
Britney Spears: How To Eat Fried Twinkies
Emeril Lagasse: Make Whey For Ducklings
Britney Spears: Justin Have I Loved
Matthew Broderick: Sarah, Plain and Tall . . . and Hot--So F@#% Off!
Hmm. . . I'm not very funny or good at jokes, but I really want to read the book, so I might cheat and beg my editor to scrounge me one from the hallowed halls of Penguin Young Readers!! Then it wouldn't be signed. . . hm. Maybe I'll think of a joke!
-Laini
"The View from Sundae" by Rosie O'Donnell
"The Singingest Dawg" by Randy Jackson
"Who's Your Daddy?" by Larry Birkhead
Fun contest! DH helped me come up with these:
Where the Wild Things Aren't, Anymore by Dick Cheney
The Wind and Where the Willows Used to Be by Al Gore
Child Rearing, Hair Style, and Underwear Tips For the Single Mom by Britney Spears
Congratulations on your new novel coming out Jay!
-sruble
Condoleeza Rice: Every Leader Poops (except me)
HOP ON POP, by Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn
Man, I'm drooling over the prize and cracking up over these first entries!
I hope I'll be back to enter!!!
I love it!!!
:D
r
Okay, Britney Spears seems to be the celebrity of choice, how about: An Unsound Maiden's Hair?
That William Shatner entry is still making me laugh.
Lindsey Lohan: The Drinking Glass Wars
Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie: All-of-a-different-kind Family
Janet/Latoya/Jermaine/Tito/Marlon Jackson: Five Children and It
Scooter Libbey: I am a Rat!
ROFL--you've gotten some GREAT entries, but I'll give it a whirl:
Paris Hilton: Everything's Hawt
Nichole Richie: Diet Plans for the Younger Crowd
Tom Cruise: Xenu Loves the Little Children
Michael Richards: Connecting to People of Color
Eddie Murphy: Raw--for Kids
Lindsey Lohan: Everyone Wears Undies But Me
Britney and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year
by Joe Simpson (Jessica and Ashlee Simpson's dad/manager)
Are You My Daddy?
by Dannielynn Smith
All right, I wasn't sure whether I was pushing the limits, but OBVIOUSLY not!
Dick Cheney: *hitty, *hitty, Bang, Bang
Nancy Pelosi: George and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year
George Bush: No Light in the Attic
Oprah: Little House on the Prairie, and Malibu and Hawaii...
Mary-Kate Olsen and Nicole Richie: The Up and Down Cookbook for Teens
Michael Jackson: Hop on Pop
Donald Trump and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Hair! - Donald Trump
A Beautiful Behind - Beyonce
One Swam Over the Cookoos Nest - Mark Spitz
Greg
"Pat the Beaver", Britney Spears (special shout out to Jay on this one)
"Green Eggs and Hos", Don Imus
"Little Orphan Anna Nicole", Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead
ok.....one more:
"The Lyin', The Witch, and the War", Hillary Clinton
(Maestrokneer....for the win) :-)
This is too fun! Here are a few more:
Barbara Walters: A Wrinkle in Primetime
Lindsey Lohan: Number the Bars
Britney Spears: Because of Winn-Dixie, Cheez-Whiz, and Boxed Wine
Britney Spears (the prequel): If you Give a Louse some Nookie
Michael Jordan (with a post-divorce tell all): Asleep in a Jeep
Prince: Prince's Purple Plastic Pants
HA! I think we should call the contest and give it to liz. I was trying to come up with one for If You Give a Mouse a Cookie and she nailed it.
This is fun and addictive!
The Woody Allen hop on pop one made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Don't know if I can even come close to that one but here goes nothing.
Jacksons: Five Little Jacksons and How They Grew Weirder and Weirder
Don Imus: Horton Hears a Ho
Bill Clinton: Harold and the Purple Cigar
Ann Coulter: Wicked, The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
Sanjaya: Rapunzel, the One with All the Hair
Brittney: Child Rearin' for Dummies
Brittney: The Secret Garden
Ryan Seacrest: There's a Nightmare in My Closet
Tried once and it didn't seem to take. Here goes again. (Sorry if it ends up posting twice.)
1) George Bush - The Astonishing Life of an Intellectual Nothing, Vol. 1: The Duping of a Nation
2) Oprah Winfrey - What I Weigh Now
3) Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan & Paris Hilton - The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantyless
4) Daniel Radcliffe - Harry Potter and the Angry Inch
5) Scooter Libby - ScooterScape Goat in the Jailhouse
Heather Mills: Stumpy the Gold Digger Can Dance!
Tom Cruise: A Nervous Breakdown for Oprah
Demi Moore: A Child Called 'Ashton'
Oh, man!
Robin, Eve, and I arrived in L.A. Friday night for the SCBWI Writer's Day and, just before going to bed, decided to check on your entries. And then we had a hard time falling asleep because we were laughing so hard.
So keep it up...cuz sleeping's overrated!
- Jay
P.S. I will personally send a letter of apology to whichever celebrity is named in the winning title...and maybe I'll send them a copy of Thirteen Reasons Why, as well.
I'm running out of steam, I think, but here's a silly trio for you--
Hugh Grant: 'Divine Brown' Is, Unfortunately, Also Not A Crayon
Colin Firth: Pemberley, Worried
Reneé Zellweger: Junie B. Jones: The Edge Of Reason
Oh my God!!! "Stumpy the Goldigger Can Dance" is making me snort so much I can't think of any titles!!! I'll get back at 'cha before Tuesday. Lamy
Lorenna Bobbit: Nip and Tuck Everlasting
Dick Cheney: Duck, Duck.. Ooops!
ROFLOL- Does laughing count as exercise?
This is so fun- I'm probably driving my DH bonkers telling him new titles. Unless something great pops in my head between now and Tuesday, this is it for me. I'm starting to feel guilty for being mean!
Good luck, everyone. I can't wait to see more of these!
My new few-
Nancy Pelosi: Fancy Nancy- Scarves! Scarves!! Scarves!!!
Ashlee Simpson: The English Noses
Nicole Richie: The Truth about Pseudofiction: How to Keep your Plot Thin
Nancy Pelosi: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit
These are so fun to read. I wish I could think of more than one at a time.
Eddie Griffin: Don't Let the Actor Drive the Ferrari
The Pop Princess and the Slimy Pauper: An Autobiography
by Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
The Glass Slipper Fit for Four and a Half Years and Then My Feet Grew
by Kate Middleton;
UK title: The Clock Struck Midnight
Australian title: My Carriage Turned Back Into a Pumpkin
Canadian title: I Want a Refund, Fairy Godmother
Baby Orangutans, My Butt, and Other Cute Things
by **insert name of celebrity you think has a nice butt**
-Fun contest!
Missy T from the Blueboard
**that would be Jessica Alba**
- Jay
Don Imus: "Old Yeller"
Help me! I can't stop thinking of titles.
Heather Mills - If You Give a Girl a Beatle...
Anna Nicole Smith - Speak, Mammaries!
I'm laughing so hard it hurts!!
LORD OF THE FRIES
by Ronald McDonald
DON'T LET MY DRUNK ASS DRIVE THE BUS
by Mel Gibson
IF YOU GIVE A DAWG A DOOBIE
by Snoop Dog
STARBOY (A Memoir)
by Jay Asher :)
BOWM CHICKA BOWM
by Jenna Jameson
KITTEN'S FIRST FULL MOONING
by Johnny Knoxville and Chris Pontius
(Jackass Guys)
NO, LINDSAY!
by Tracy Brennan (Lindsay's agent...sorry Tracy, had to do it!)
Ooohhh...I'm outta here!!
"E To The P"
Madonna:
An Adoption Guide: I've Made Up My Mind, I'm Keeping Your Baby
Rachel Ray:
A 30-Minute Alphabet: From E to V to O. To O.
Pussycat Dolls:
Getting Dressed Made Easy Volume 1: Loosen Up Your Buttons
Deena
George Bush - Shock n' Awesome Crafts for Preschool Class Presidents
George Bush - 13 Reasons Why ... A pop-up exploration of my hunt for WMD in Iraq
Meg Ryan: Unwrinkled In Time
Lindsay Lohan: Where the Wild Flings Are
Donald Trump: Red Rover, Red Rover, Let's Make A Comb Over
O.k., here they are:
"The Three Little Twigs"
by Mary Kate Olsen, Victoria Beckham and Nicole Richie
"Fox with Box"
by Britney Spears
"Jocks in Locks"
by Mike Tyson
"Put Me in the Promises Rehab Center"
by Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan
"The Stupids Step Out II: A Bush Family Vacation"
by The Bush Family Dog
"Don't Let the Stool Pigeon Drive the Half-Assed Campaign to Discredit Joseph Wilson by Outing his CIA Agent Wife"
by Lewis "Scooter" Libby
Lamy
Oh yeah, Lamy. You brought it! (Stool pigeon...HA!)
-Robin
WHY DID YOU DIE MOMMY?
by Daniellynn (the daughter of Anna Nicole Smith)
WHY DOES MY MOMMY THINK I'M A BLOB?
by Brad Pitt
(regarding Angelina Jolie's comment about her biological infant son)
CRACK KILLED MY FAMILY
by Bobbi Brown
(the daughter of Whitney and Bobby Brown)
Wow, that's enough. I need to toss my STARS.
OOPS, I mean Angelina Jolie's biological infant DAUGHTER. (But would she be less of a blob in her mother's eyes if she was a boy?)
GOOD NIGHT, RUBBY
by Michael & Blanket Jackson
HOW THE GRINCH STOLE THE ELECTION
by Al Gore
THE TAKING TREE
by George W. Bush
Some of my inner-thoughts so far while reading these jokes:
- Funny!
- HA!
- OK…she went there.
- Ooooh…low blow.
- Brilliant!
- Huh? (and then Eve & Robin explained it to me)
- Brillianter!!
- Just waiting for an e-mail from Homeland Security.
- HA!
- Um, “E To The P” (a.k.a. Eve), those were hilarious…but you’re inelligible! Sorry, but you can’t have your painting back.
And something I just noticed: Can any of you name the books on my bookshelf to either side of Eve's painting? It's kind of eerie...and totally unplanned.
Alright, keep the jokes comin'!
- Jay
I'm not going to enter...well, because my funny is broken today. But I love this contest idea, Jay!! I think you guys have your hands full, judging.
WHEN BRITNEY'S BEAVER CAME TO TOWN
by The Paparazzi
MOLES
by Cindy Crawford
INKFART
by Kaavya Viswanathan
A PENIS THE SIZE OF THE SUN
by John Holmes
STUCK IN NEUTRAL
by John Bobbitt
KING OF THE MILD FRONTIER
by John Kerry
Ashes, Bongs & Full Parental Snorting - Keith Richards
Then I Ate My Performance Enhancers - J. Howard Marshall II
(Anna Nicole Smith's 90-year old husband)
Are You There, God? It's Me, Karl. Take a Hike! -- Karl Rove
i can see the little apple icon on the binding of the book, but that's it. if homeland security contacts you, delete my posts!!! (same call if you hear from the browns, the jolie-pitts, m.j.,or the smith foundation).
Where The Crosswalk Ends
by Stephen King
Eldest
by Dick Clark
The Book Thief
by Kaavya Viswanathan
Life As I Blew It
by Divine Brown
Just a reminder...
This is a contest. Which means there will be a winner. Which means we need to know who entered.
If you're entering anonymously, that's cool, but e-mail us privately with a way to contact ya!
- The First Round Judges
A clue, a clue! Is the yellow book a Babysitter's Club??? Don't get me started on the jokes I could make from that series...
Babysitter's Club Book #1200
HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY
by
Jude Law's Nanny
(I forgot her name)
I'm turning off my computer now.
Today, representatives of the estate of Julia Child announced they have discovered a previously unknown children's cookbook in manuscript form written by the "French Chef". The book is to be published later this year and will be entitled, Frog and Toad Are Delicious!
Valerie The Spy: "Scooter" Libby
Sinky: Natalie Wood
King Spork by The (Burger) King
Re: Jay's bookcase-The one on the left appears to be STAYING FAT FOR SARAH BYRNES by Chris Crutcher. I can't make out the others, can anyone else?
Karl Rove: SLIME GOO SECRETS REVEALED (NOT!)
Alberto Gonzales: THIRTEEN "NOT IMPROPER" REASONS WHY
Katie Couric: BOY TOY STORY
This is my 2nd set. Fun contest!
www.justsketch.com
Liz! Wow...I am truly impressed. That's a Bonus Point for you. And if you've been here awhile, you'll know that Mr. Crutcher gave Thirteen Reasons Why its first blurb. Hmm...could that be a hint as to the book(s) next to Mr. Crutcher's?
And then there are those books to the right of the painting...
- Jay
One fish, two fish, red fish, there's no such thing as BLUE , you've been OPPRESSED by the PSYCHIATRIC ESTALISHMENT fish,
by Tom Cruise.
A million little teases, by Michael Jackson.
Okay you 3
I don't usually do this but I shamelessly admit I want Jay's ARC so here goes...
The Wheel's off the Bus---h or songs I should have sung to you.
by Barbara Bush (with Laura on the harmony)
If you Give a Pig a Martini by Mel Gibson
The Dress I Will Wear to the Party..or not.
By Brittney, or Madonna or whateveh
For Whom the Bill Told by Hilary Clinton
One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest by Donald (Outta There) Rumsfled (stet)
Angelina Jolie: One Kid, Two Kid, Red Kid, Blue Kid
Michael Jackson: Where the Child Things Are
Ty Pennington: The Giving Spree
Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump: Frog and Toad Aren't Friends
Demi Moore: The Babysitter's Club
Howard K. Stern: The Babysitter's Club II
Britney Spears: Gone With the Wine (& Shears)
The Guvenator: The Little Engine that Could
Mama Cass - The Curse of the HAM Sandwich
(you have to be my age to get that one)
Greg
Everybody Snoops - Richard Nixon
fred b:
Demi Moore: Kutcher in the Raw
Michael Jackson: Jacko, Have I Gloved
The Higher Power of Lucky, Lucky Me
by George W. Bush
Make sure to get the Fox News Censored Edition!
Okay, I couldn't resist. This is worse than Pringles!
The Stinky Sleaze Man
by Joe Francis (founder of Girls Gone Wild)
The Bipolar Express by Rosie O'Donnell
Al Capone does my Skirts
by Martha Stewart
Withering Hides
by Courtney Love
What my Mother Doesn't Know
by Sean Preston Federline
From the Mixed-up E-files of Mr. Karl Rove
-Associated Press
Rolls of Thunder, Hear my Thighs
by Beyonce Knowles (<- whose thighs are actually quite nice, but I couldn't think of anyone else)
How do Dinosaurs Apply Mascara?
by Keith Richards
Here's one from my husband, A:
The Wonderful Wizard of OT
by L. Ron Hubbard
CURIOUS GEORGE W. KILLS THE POLAR BEARS
by Leonardo DiCaprio
BRITNEY BEAR, WILL YOU PLEASE WEAR UNDERWEAR?
by
K-Fed
Anne of Coral Gables by Larry Birkhead (A Posthumously Published Tale of Drugs, Drama, and Disputed Dadhood)
That is seriously the only one I could think of.
Gilligan(of Island fame): Gingerbred Boy
Fred B.
My final three (I swear!)...
Sanjaya Malakar: THE LITTLE INJUN THAT COOED
(This IS obnoxious I know--sorry--but then isn't his "singing"?)
Dick Cheney: OH THE FACES YOU'LL BLOW!
Pamela Martin, D.C. Madam (with Forward by Heidi Fleiss) : SCHLEPPING BOOTY
Aaaaaand...the contest is now officially closed!
Thank you all for making us squirt a combined THREE liters of soda through our noses.
We'll announce the winner soon...
Okay, even though I'm competing, I just LOVE the Martha Stewart/Al Capone one!
Well....................who won?!?!
The Round 1 judges (us!) have whittled it down to ten. And the Round 2 judges have already whittled it down to five.
So we just have to wait a whittle bit more!
Wait a "whittle" bit more...HA! You puny guy, you.
Just want to let the blog readers/jokesters know how hard it was to whittle the entries. We DM's came to blows at certain points defending our favorites, and I developed asthma from laughing so hard.
Thank you for all the crazy/creative/disturbing entries. It's been a VERY entertaining week. There are some funny folks out there...if this writing thing ever gets tiresome for y'all, you could always take your comedy show on the road!
Peace, Love, and DiscoMermaids,
Eve
Sorry, Jay! I meant "PUNNY" not puny. You know, punny, like you like puns, not like you're puny...which you're not. You're actually quite tall and muscular. Not puny at all. It was a slip, I swear. I have a spelling problem...I'm not fully caffeinnated yet, it's early (Okay, it's noon-thirty), sorry!!
xoxo
DM Love,
Eve
Thanks for throwing this contest! I admit, I keep checking back here, just hoping and praying to win that crispety, crunchity . . . ARC and painting and drawing and DM button . . . so deliciously choclately . . . . *drool*
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