Monday, November 06, 2006

Who's Your Daddy?? -Eve

Rumor has it that this submissions waiting game can get pretty tedious. So I’m going to mix it up a little, create my own game, and produce my own reality show!! It’s called “Who’s Your Daddy?”

My agent will round up ten editors that she deems perfect fits for my manuscript. They’ll be boated into tropical waters, where they have to dive off the boat with only the clothing on their backs and swim out to a deserted island. They’ll build a shelter out of palm leaves and sticks, subsist on coconuts and bugs, and start a fire with rocks and bark.

Every day, members of the “Editio Tribe” (Latin word for ‘publisher’ of course) will spear fish, gather fruit and search for the “Magical Manuscripts” that are hidden somewhere on the small island. Every day they’ll compete in complicated obstacle courses and assorted trivia and endurance challenges. Each challenge winner will receive a clue as to where the “Magical Manuscripts” are hidden.

Since there are only five copies of the “Magical Manuscript” hidden on the island, the five Editios who don’t find them will have their fires snuffed out and will then walk the plank.

The five remaining contestants will be whisked away, via leer jet, to a mansion in Rome, where they’ll spend the week having “dates” with me, discussing how much they love my ms, and convincing me that they love my ms for all the right reasons. I want to make sure my editor is not pretending to love my ms for the fame, money and various People and US Weekly covers that are sure to follow. I want true love, man! Those three who love me (I mean, my ms) the most will continue to the next round.

The remaining three contestants will participate in various photo shoots where they’ll be made over in hair, makeup and clothing and portray famous children’s lit characters, such as The Big Bad Wolf, Holden Caulfield, and Pippi Longstocking. The two with the best photos will continue to the next round, and the one with less-than-convincing photos will have to pack his bags and walk home. And he/she doesn’t even get to keep a copy of the “Magical Manuscript”!!

The final two will helicopter to Trump Tower, where they’ll spend the next two days competing in tasks such as writing a jacket flap summary in less than a minute, creating an eye-catching book cover in less than an hour, and outlining a marketing plan for my ms in less than a day.

The one editor who shows the most promise in all the tasks will receive the final rose at the Final Rose Ceremony! And we’ll live happily ever after. If I’m going to enter into a marriage (contract) with a spouse (editor) to co-parent this baby (manuscript), then what better way to find him/her than on a reality show?? It’s the way of the new millennium!

(**Note: No actual editors were harmed in the making of this reality show. “Who’s Your Daddy” was completely created in Eve’s mind during her procrastination time. Any similarities to actual reality shows are purely coincidental. Eve doesn’t even watch bad reality TV shows that she Tivos all week so she can view them late at night when she should be writing.)



Kelly Fineman said...

I would so watch this show. But I need to know what the catchy dismissal lines are for the plank walkers and the photo shoot failure.

Disco Mermaids said...


The host of the show would say to the plank-walkers, "You must now swim with the fishes!"

Then he'd say to the unphotogenic contestants, "The camera has spoken!"

Okay, give me a day or two...I'll come up with better ones.


Disco Mermaids said...


"You're FISH FOOD!" (Said in a mean, growly tone with my finger pointing at the plank-walker in question. Then I'll poke 'em with a sword.)

And for the photo shoot failures, "Your character is not BELIEVABLE!!"

Okay, I need help here.


Lisa Albert said...

LOL, Eve! I'm hooked! Staying tuned...


Anonymous said...

Okay, Eve, you are SO getting sued over using my actual life for your TV show! My name MEANS Editio in latin! I have written a Magical Manuscript! I have not pretended to love your manuscript! I have dressed up as a famous children's lit character (um, hmmm, maybe the Rejectionatrix outfit was not famous. But it is now!) AND, I want to live happily ever after!

You know that famous question everyone asks the famous authors - "Where do you get your ideas"?? AHEM! MY LIFE, obviously.

...what's that, Mother? I am two hours behind on my medication? Oh, furscumpopulshums...

Love you Eve!

~Anonymous Priest

Anonymous said...

This is my new favorite show!!


Anonymous said...

Dude, who's the anonymous priest? BTW, WTF is going on? I haven't talked to you in ages, although I did laugh over your top ten list from this summer this morning. I like "you must now swim with the fishes" better that the "fish food" one, if I get a vote. Hey, wait, why don't you allow the editors to meet your "family" members (blood and otherwise), and let us give you advice or a vote? There's an original idea! Love ya, mean it, Lamy

lisa said...

You are so funny - I love this! Can you be on channel 2 and I'll be on channel 6?

My agent just sent my YA novel to ten editors TODAY, so we are in the same boat, er, crazy psychotic reality show.